Two years ago today my little guy decided to make his way into this world 10 weeks early~ almost an entire trimester too soon. It was the most traumatic and gut wrenching experience of my life. I look back on that night and the 30 plus days he stayed in the NICU and remember an overwhelming feeling of all is okay, you are protected, when I woke up hemorrhaging I was immediately shot out of my head and into my heart, I stayed present and never went to any of those horrible places the mind can send us. Every night I was home without him I would muster up the strength to make my check in phone call to the NICU before bed to see if he was okay and still here knowing that I had to surrender it all over to a higher power as something else had far more control in this situation that I did. All I could do was be the best person I could and that meant embracing all the fears, faults, guilt shame and dark parts. I could love him and my family the best I could and that is where I lived. It is amazing two years later that when faced with a situation of absolute harm and terror that surrender is where I went and now when faced with possible terror and harm I am paralyzed with anxiety, the need for control and tormented with those dark thoughts that our mind chooses to entertain us with.
The light at the end of the tunnel is this (because there always is one :) ) Ryan catapulted me into a place of facing my fears as dark as they were and can be while helping me choose to live a life driven by heart not fear. This is and will always be a daily practice, years ago I may have had to go out running for months before I realized I was abducted by the delusions of my mind now after a good year or so of practice it took about 1/2 mile and a good 48 hours of WTF. Ryan's entry into this world combined with his thriving mind, body and spirit two years later are symbolic of hope, that if we love with all of our heart in the end "every little thing is going to be alright. (Ryan's lullaby and my mantra for the past 2 years)