Monday, June 24, 2013

3 Little Birds

While doing a little walk/jog this morning with my little man who turned 2 today, I was hit with the familiar "Oh Shit~ I have done it again" followed by disappointment and frustration. At the very end of one of the runs I felt the oh so great " I AM ALIVE" feeling....I used to find this feeling addictive, accomplished and exciting, I now know what it means- I have taken the fast track into my mind and out of my heart without any awareness of it. When we are practicing a life of living through our hearts we do not need a "rush" to remind us that we are in fact alive, that feeling is always there. Our urge to control, figure things out,  and the "what's next" syndrome dissipates- this makes for a far easier life however staying present can create the challenge of boredom for lack of a better word.  We are a society of stimulation, excess and busy~ these qualities are not top of the heap when one is present.

Two years ago today my little guy decided to make his way into this world 10 weeks early~ almost an entire trimester too soon. It was the most traumatic and gut wrenching experience of my life. I look back on that night and the 30 plus days he stayed in the NICU and remember an overwhelming feeling of all is okay, you are protected, when I woke up hemorrhaging I was immediately shot out of my head and into my heart, I stayed present and never went to any of those horrible places the mind can send us. Every night I was home without him I would muster up the strength to make my check in phone call to the NICU before bed to see if he was okay and still here knowing that I had to surrender it all over to a higher power as something else had far more control in this situation that I did. All I could do was be the best person I could and that meant embracing all the fears, faults, guilt shame and dark parts. I could love him and my family the best I could and that is where I lived. It is amazing two years later that when faced with a situation of absolute harm and terror that surrender is where I went and now when faced with possible terror and harm I am paralyzed with anxiety, the need for control and tormented with those dark thoughts that our mind chooses to entertain us with.

The light at the end of the tunnel is this (because there always is one :) ) Ryan catapulted me into a place of facing my fears as dark as they were and can be while helping me choose to live a life driven by heart not fear. This is and will always be a daily practice, years ago I may have had to go out running for months before I realized I was abducted by the delusions of my mind now after a good year or so of practice it took about 1/2 mile and a good 48 hours of WTF. Ryan's entry into this world combined with his thriving mind, body and spirit two years later are symbolic of hope, that if we love with all of our heart in the end "every little thing is going to be alright. (Ryan's lullaby and my mantra for the past 2 years)

With Love

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Love Is My Religion

In refection of Father's Day, I sit and remember all the times I called my Dad or had dinner with him on this day. I have not had the opportunity to speak to him here in the physical world since his passing in 2002. As a Mom of 3 son's I see the opportunity today to celebrate their Father~ he is a good one, one who plays, one who cares, one who wants to be a Dad and takes on everything that comes with it. They are without a doubt protected and loved but most of all "seen". Which is all anyone really wants right? We want to be "seen" for who we are,  not for who our parents think we should be, or believe we are, or want us to be.

My children are very fortunate when it comes to their Dad~ I know this because I was not raised by a Dad like this, in fact my Father had very little to do with my life. But one thing was for sure he was constant, never changing and always showed up in the exact same way as the time before. So once I let go of the expectation of having someone different, of having that Dad who was involved, hands on and wanted to be there ~ I could meet him where he was with love and acceptance.

There were many if not most Father's Days I thought why do I have to celebrate this man? He hasn't been a good Father he has never been there for me so why must I be there for him!  However he gave me the gift of life and I was and continue to be forever grateful to him. This act alone is enough to love him entirely, when we step outside of the fire and find that tiny light within, we can access the love at all times- love for a stranger, love for someone who has harmed us, love for someone who has disappointed us, and love for the one's who still do not have the ability to "see" us.

When we are in our hearts we are always "seen"for who we are with the knowing that we are enough. Because of this the need for the outside world to "see" us vanishes, leaving nothing but open space to be filled with light, love and the strength to love those that have not showed up for us as we wanted or believed they should.