3 Little Birds

While doing a little walk/jog this morning with my little man who turned 2 today, I was hit with the familiar "Oh Shit~ I have done it again" followed by disappointment and frustration. At the very end of one of the runs I felt the oh so great " I AM ALIVE" feeling....I used to find this feeling addictive, accomplished and exciting, I now know what it means- I have taken the fast track into my mind and out of my heart without any awareness of it. When we are practicing a life of living through our hearts we do not need a "rush" to remind us that we are in fact alive, that feeling is always there. Our urge to control, figure things out,  and the "what's next" syndrome dissipates- this makes for a far easier life however staying present can create the challenge of boredom for lack of a better word.  We are a society of stimulation, excess and busy~ these qualities are not top of the heap when one is present.

Two years ago today my little guy decided to make his way into this world 10 weeks early~ almost an entire trimester too soon. It was the most traumatic and gut wrenching experience of my life. I look back on that night and the 30 plus days he stayed in the NICU and remember an overwhelming feeling of all is okay, you are protected, when I woke up hemorrhaging I was immediately shot out of my head and into my heart, I stayed present and never went to any of those horrible places the mind can send us. Every night I was home without him I would muster up the strength to make my check in phone call to the NICU before bed to see if he was okay and still here knowing that I had to surrender it all over to a higher power as something else had far more control in this situation that I did. All I could do was be the best person I could and that meant embracing all the fears, faults, guilt shame and dark parts. I could love him and my family the best I could and that is where I lived. It is amazing two years later that when faced with a situation of absolute harm and terror that surrender is where I went and now when faced with possible terror and harm I am paralyzed with anxiety, the need for control and tormented with those dark thoughts that our mind chooses to entertain us with.

The light at the end of the tunnel is this (because there always is one :) ) Ryan catapulted me into a place of facing my fears as dark as they were and can be while helping me choose to live a life driven by heart not fear. This is and will always be a daily practice, years ago I may have had to go out running for months before I realized I was abducted by the delusions of my mind now after a good year or so of practice it took about 1/2 mile and a good 48 hours of WTF. Ryan's entry into this world combined with his thriving mind, body and spirit two years later are symbolic of hope, that if we love with all of our heart in the end "every little thing is going to be alright. (Ryan's lullaby and my mantra for the past 2 years)


With Love

Love Is My Religion

In refection of Father's Day, I sit and remember all the times I called my Dad or had dinner with him on this day. I have not had the opportunity to speak to him here in the physical world since his passing in 2002. As a Mom of 3 son's I see the opportunity today to celebrate their Father~ he is a good one, one who plays, one who cares, one who wants to be a Dad and takes on everything that comes with it. They are without a doubt protected and loved but most of all "seen". Which is all anyone really wants right? We want to be "seen" for who we are,  not for who our parents think we should be, or believe we are, or want us to be.

My children are very fortunate when it comes to their Dad~ I know this because I was not raised by a Dad like this, in fact my Father had very little to do with my life. But one thing was for sure he was constant, never changing and always showed up in the exact same way as the time before. So once I let go of the expectation of having someone different, of having that Dad who was involved, hands on and wanted to be there ~ I could meet him where he was with love and acceptance.

There were many if not most Father's Days I thought why do I have to celebrate this man? He hasn't been a good Father he has never been there for me so why must I be there for him!  However he gave me the gift of life and I was and continue to be forever grateful to him. This act alone is enough to love him entirely, when we step outside of the fire and find that tiny light within, we can access the love at all times- love for a stranger, love for someone who has harmed us, love for someone who has disappointed us, and love for the one's who still do not have the ability to "see" us.

When we are in our hearts we are always "seen"for who we are with the knowing that we are enough. Because of this the need for the outside world to "see" us vanishes, leaving nothing but open space to be filled with light, love and the strength to love those that have not showed up for us as we wanted or believed they should.


Namaste

Peace Train

"Each one of us is merely a small instrument. When you look at the inner workings of electrical things often you see small and big wires, new and old, cheap and expensive, lined up. Until the current passes through them, there will be no light. That wire is you and me. The current is God. We have the power to let the current pass through us, use us, produce the light of the world. Or we can refuse to be  used and allow darkness to spread." ~ Mother Teresa

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, we have the power and the choice to turn our lights on. The lights that have grown dim or have been turned off entirely for survival. The only way to do this is to move out of the mind, out of the fear and into the heart. The heart has the answers and yearns to live with complete freedom. What if each of us made the conscious choice to let our lights shine at their full capacity? The choice to greet each day as a new opportunity for love and experience? To look each person we greet in the eyes and say "hello" while our light illuminates from our being? What a beautiful world this would be?

Some would say Idealistic and I can see that~ however in my heart of hearts I know it is possible~ A new world of love and peace.

Can you greet one person today through your heart and not your mind? Standing tall in your vulnerability just long enough to let that moment of true connection charge your spirit?


With Love

Running Away

I have spent the past week or so untangling the web that had wrapped around me. The clarity that results when you detach from drama is almost euphoric. On the flip side there is always the feeling or thought of ~ how could I have not known I was so wrapped up!!! But in staying true to the spiritual practice we must let any judgement go and meet ourselves where we are with love.The mantra "one day at a time" should apply to all of us because trying to be the best person we can be in this world proves to be a daily practice.

Outside of the fire I see my behaviors and how they were so telling as to the mental place I was in~ the constant trying to do something, the what is coming next, what to do next etc. The "doing" place should have been the signal to let me know that I was not present, was not content and was running away from something but in the end we all know we are running away from the truth inside of ourselves and the biggest motivator for the run always ends up being fear.

In Yoga practice we strive to just be, be one with ourselves, our life, this world. This can only be reached through detachment, when we are attaching to anything we are using our mind not our hearts. The old adage of "if you truly love something you can set it free" is true, attachments do not step from the heart they live only in our minds. So there you go~ my obsession with what to DO next and how it will be / look had me spinning in the fire of my mind and ego. Happiness and contentment cannot be found in that fire, happiness and contentment are not a state of mind they are a state of being. As I grab my surfboard to get up and ride the waves of life again I know that I will find myself on the shore at another place and time trying to control the waves, being in a place of resistance and I hope that time will be short lived.

I ask you this morning are you riding the waves of life or trying to control them? Are you living in the flow or the path of resistance?


With love ~

Trouble

Acceptance can be a very difficult task, especially when we are asked to accept something that we may not necessarily want or think we want. This is where the grip on the waves of life try with all their might to hold still and resist the flow. Although I can somewhat stand outside the fire of it all I teeter all too close finding it difficult to see any clarity. In a time when we may be asked to surrender why is there so much fear? Is it lack of faith or lack of knowing what is at the other end and are these actually the exact same thing?

I am afraid to make a move, to make a decision, I am troubled by a sort of paralysis in the forward momentum of my life. Where to turn? Where to go? How? I know that this is the moment of surrender, the moment when you are supposed to jump over the edge...but I cannot and I am stuck.

I have become somewhat obsessive about what is next, about what lies ahead, obsessive about something I cannot control. This forward thinking means one thing, I am not present, I am not in a place of love, I am not content and this saddens me deeply as my Fear has me blocked, has me stuck, has me troubled so I pray for grace, I pray for clarity, I pray for comfort and strength as I begin to try  to dissolve the web of fear that surrounds me.


Can you accept the trials and joys of life with grace???


With Love

Both Sides Now

To return to the notion of finding your comfort or way into the stillness it is also in this place that we must do more than listen to begin to heal. In order for the big shift or A Ha  to happen we must be willing to "see" our place within all of our interactions and relationships. We must be willing to "see" through lenses that are not available for the Ego to high jack! This is part of seeing ourselves through love, there is no wrong, no right, no he said, she said ~ it is just seeing what is. The Ego is our internal merry prankster and for a society that has been taught to look outward the Ego is VERY comfortable in a place of victim and uses many different masks to fool us into believing we are out of the Ego.

Life does not happen to us~ and if this is something we often feel than examining our role in our interactions is essential. When we talk about taking our power back this is where it ties in. There cannot be an interaction or relationship without 2 sides, you always have your part!!! If someone is "doing" something to you then you are choosing to allow that person to do it. You choose to stand or listen and take it~ walk away, hang up the phone, if you do not like something then make yourself unavailable to that situation. If you find you keep going back~ it is crucial to get out of the ego and into the heart to break the pattern. There is fear driving the force to keep you returning and the only place fear does not reside is in the heart.

If our society could try to put emphasis on holding one's self accountable for our role in our interactions instead of looking out at everyone and how it is affecting us~ we would change positively, we would heal as a world. Sounds big and fantasy like but I believe it.

Can you take an interaction that bothers you and "see" your part~ how are you involved in it and what can you do to take your power back and change it?

With Love

Things Can Only Get Better

It is in the stillness that we hear the whispers of our hearts. This place pushes fear aside to reveal what lies beneath, what is bubbling just below the surface of our day to day "go go go" mentality. When we surrender to the stillness, the nothingness, we see hope, feel hope and breathe hope. Access hope and the perception is clear= happiness and freedom.

Take time to sit in silence, in your nothingness, in your fears and allow yourself to get swept away by glorious hope that is constantly trying to remind us that things can and will get better you just have to get out of your own damn way :)


Namaste