I have not posted in long time- mainly due to distraction, time and sorting through the various meanderings of my mind. However it appears every which way I try to slice and dice it my outlook on everything comes down to a real knowing and faith that life is a gift~ it is a simple as this. Your parents gave you a gift and what you do with it is what makes the journey. There are no rights here on this planet, we are not entitled to anything, it is the journey and all the lessons that we encounter along the way that create the filling within this precious container.
So many of us get caught up in our parents and what they did or how they acted, where we came from, our childhood was this or that, etc....none of that truly matters down at the heart of it all. What matters is how you choose to fill this journey. Our perception is one of the most powerful tools we have- where is your perception arrow directed- to the comparison of yourself and the world around you or to your soul and the opportunities that await on your path?
I think about this with my children- I was never one to daydream about the house, the kids, the wedding...etc. In fact I was never really clear as to what I wanted until I met my husband- and the only clarity I had was " I do not want to live a day without this man". There were no thoughts about "good father" or "good husband" or any projections of our possible life, my soul perceived another "gift" on my journey and thank god I was quiet enough and had enough faith to listen. When it came to kids and comes to kids- I have given the gift of life to these boys, I was blessed on my journey to give them life and I am so excited to see how they live it. I want them to experience the beauty, experience the pain, the hope, the disappointment, the lust, the love, the tears, the happiness and so on!! I could go on forever because how cool is it to be the vessel of this gift?! They are here to experience their gift and I can be a witness and if they choose once they are grown have more of a part but it is up to them.
I think we have confused the lines or even forgotten the foundation of it all- we are not entitled to be here, we are not entitled to have what every one else has, we are not entitled to have children- and receiving the gift of being a parent does not entitle us to manage their life or set their course based on what we believe is right. As a parent- yes our journey has been longer and we are wiser from experience, but we are the same as our kids, our parents, as all of us around us, we have been given the gift of life and it is for each of us individually to recognize the gift and choose what YOU want to make of it.
I believe my suffering or discontentment on this journey is rooted in the energy driven by the ego that surrounds us of " I get to be here and be like everyone else". Our heart knows we have been given a gift / opportunity to live here, just as everyone else has and it can be taken from us at anytime, so follow the guidance in your heart, find your own way and make the most of it~ for it is truly precious.
Namaste
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Wild Horses
My heart longs to be free....free from the rules and regulations that I have been taught in order to bind it. Free from the judgement of others, the judgement from myself, the judgement in the teachings and in the rules. Fear has been the dominate tool to keep me flying straight in this life and in so many ways I am grateful to fear as it has helped guide me safely to where I am today. But the disconnect is no longer...the fear will not lead, it cannot lead for it has now been put where it belongs to keep me safe not to lead my life. My heart has seen and knows the freedom that we are capable of ~ this is the place where we all began. We are all love, we are all divine and we have all touched this freedom we just don't remember it. My heart yearns to be free and to fly to wherever it sets its sights....cause at the end of it all what truly matters most is LOVE
Monday, July 8, 2013
Lotus Flower
I have been reading a TON about shame these days and I am so glad because I had absolutely no idea what shame really is. In fact it did not resonate much with me so in true human form I thought I am good " no shame here " :) I was wrong!!!! I may not live in the language of shame but I sure know how to live with a shame armor~ a shield of shame to actually prevent any shameful events from coming in. Growing up with an alcoholic Dad like I had I have no question nor guilt for my shame armor, it was used to protect and defend so it was for the good however it is not in my best interest now and must make its way out. This revelation has lead me to my post today....we live in a world of instant gratification, so naturally I would like and somewhat expect my shame shield to evaporate immediately this is warranted by the fact that I have recognized it so therefore done the work to make it go.....I don't think so ;-)
We all need to give ourselves a break, healing is a process. It is a step my step journey where we must visit all aspects hiding beneath the area in which we want healed. This could possible take YEARS~ yes YEARS. You may choose to forgive someone that has caused you suffering but that does not mean the pain is healed, it most likely is not and that is okay. It is okay to feel pain in your heart by someone who wronged you years ago, it is okay as long as you recognize the pain and feel it. This comes back to the notion of shame, shame makes us vulnerable, when we turn to anger in a painful situation we are turning to fear -fear of the feelings that are causing the vulnerability and we when stay in this place our healing stalls. We all suffer, we all feel pain and YES we are all vulnerable, no one is above it. We are spirits living in human form and therefore we are subject to painful experiences.
I had a moment a couple of months ago where I saw someone I loved raw with emotion, she was hysterical and without thinking twice I walked over and held her. If someone told me I would be that kind of support 5 years ago to her I would have been offended. This particular someone had hurt me so deeply, had caused a situation so rooted in shame that I was fueled on anger for months even years~ she had penetrated my shame shield in my weakest point, my children, and I encountered a direct hit to the spirit. This situation spun terribly downward, I was stuck in a place of "how could she do this to me, to my kids, my family"~ it wasn't until I began to recognize my own feelings of vulnerability within the situation that I could actually start to climb out of the web and start to heal. And YES this has taken a good 5 YEARS- Yikes
This post is another reiteration to continue the practice to stay in your heart and when you make or take on something to make it about you~ you are in your head not your heart. Healing cannot take place in your head it is created through your heart and it cannot grow from fear; healing must grow from a place of vulnerability and therefore you must acknowledge the shame surrounding it. A process that takes TIME and that is MORE than okay!!!!!
Namaste
We all need to give ourselves a break, healing is a process. It is a step my step journey where we must visit all aspects hiding beneath the area in which we want healed. This could possible take YEARS~ yes YEARS. You may choose to forgive someone that has caused you suffering but that does not mean the pain is healed, it most likely is not and that is okay. It is okay to feel pain in your heart by someone who wronged you years ago, it is okay as long as you recognize the pain and feel it. This comes back to the notion of shame, shame makes us vulnerable, when we turn to anger in a painful situation we are turning to fear -fear of the feelings that are causing the vulnerability and we when stay in this place our healing stalls. We all suffer, we all feel pain and YES we are all vulnerable, no one is above it. We are spirits living in human form and therefore we are subject to painful experiences.
I had a moment a couple of months ago where I saw someone I loved raw with emotion, she was hysterical and without thinking twice I walked over and held her. If someone told me I would be that kind of support 5 years ago to her I would have been offended. This particular someone had hurt me so deeply, had caused a situation so rooted in shame that I was fueled on anger for months even years~ she had penetrated my shame shield in my weakest point, my children, and I encountered a direct hit to the spirit. This situation spun terribly downward, I was stuck in a place of "how could she do this to me, to my kids, my family"~ it wasn't until I began to recognize my own feelings of vulnerability within the situation that I could actually start to climb out of the web and start to heal. And YES this has taken a good 5 YEARS- Yikes
This post is another reiteration to continue the practice to stay in your heart and when you make or take on something to make it about you~ you are in your head not your heart. Healing cannot take place in your head it is created through your heart and it cannot grow from fear; healing must grow from a place of vulnerability and therefore you must acknowledge the shame surrounding it. A process that takes TIME and that is MORE than okay!!!!!
Namaste
Monday, June 24, 2013
3 Little Birds
While doing a little walk/jog this morning with my little man who turned 2 today, I was hit with the familiar "Oh Shit~ I have done it again" followed by disappointment and frustration. At the very end of one of the runs I felt the oh so great " I AM ALIVE" feeling....I used to find this feeling addictive, accomplished and exciting, I now know what it means- I have taken the fast track into my mind and out of my heart without any awareness of it. When we are practicing a life of living through our hearts we do not need a "rush" to remind us that we are in fact alive, that feeling is always there. Our urge to control, figure things out, and the "what's next" syndrome dissipates- this makes for a far easier life however staying present can create the challenge of boredom for lack of a better word. We are a society of stimulation, excess and busy~ these qualities are not top of the heap when one is present.
Two years ago today my little guy decided to make his way into this world 10 weeks early~ almost an entire trimester too soon. It was the most traumatic and gut wrenching experience of my life. I look back on that night and the 30 plus days he stayed in the NICU and remember an overwhelming feeling of all is okay, you are protected, when I woke up hemorrhaging I was immediately shot out of my head and into my heart, I stayed present and never went to any of those horrible places the mind can send us. Every night I was home without him I would muster up the strength to make my check in phone call to the NICU before bed to see if he was okay and still here knowing that I had to surrender it all over to a higher power as something else had far more control in this situation that I did. All I could do was be the best person I could and that meant embracing all the fears, faults, guilt shame and dark parts. I could love him and my family the best I could and that is where I lived. It is amazing two years later that when faced with a situation of absolute harm and terror that surrender is where I went and now when faced with possible terror and harm I am paralyzed with anxiety, the need for control and tormented with those dark thoughts that our mind chooses to entertain us with.
The light at the end of the tunnel is this (because there always is one :) ) Ryan catapulted me into a place of facing my fears as dark as they were and can be while helping me choose to live a life driven by heart not fear. This is and will always be a daily practice, years ago I may have had to go out running for months before I realized I was abducted by the delusions of my mind now after a good year or so of practice it took about 1/2 mile and a good 48 hours of WTF. Ryan's entry into this world combined with his thriving mind, body and spirit two years later are symbolic of hope, that if we love with all of our heart in the end "every little thing is going to be alright. (Ryan's lullaby and my mantra for the past 2 years)
With Love
Two years ago today my little guy decided to make his way into this world 10 weeks early~ almost an entire trimester too soon. It was the most traumatic and gut wrenching experience of my life. I look back on that night and the 30 plus days he stayed in the NICU and remember an overwhelming feeling of all is okay, you are protected, when I woke up hemorrhaging I was immediately shot out of my head and into my heart, I stayed present and never went to any of those horrible places the mind can send us. Every night I was home without him I would muster up the strength to make my check in phone call to the NICU before bed to see if he was okay and still here knowing that I had to surrender it all over to a higher power as something else had far more control in this situation that I did. All I could do was be the best person I could and that meant embracing all the fears, faults, guilt shame and dark parts. I could love him and my family the best I could and that is where I lived. It is amazing two years later that when faced with a situation of absolute harm and terror that surrender is where I went and now when faced with possible terror and harm I am paralyzed with anxiety, the need for control and tormented with those dark thoughts that our mind chooses to entertain us with.
The light at the end of the tunnel is this (because there always is one :) ) Ryan catapulted me into a place of facing my fears as dark as they were and can be while helping me choose to live a life driven by heart not fear. This is and will always be a daily practice, years ago I may have had to go out running for months before I realized I was abducted by the delusions of my mind now after a good year or so of practice it took about 1/2 mile and a good 48 hours of WTF. Ryan's entry into this world combined with his thriving mind, body and spirit two years later are symbolic of hope, that if we love with all of our heart in the end "every little thing is going to be alright. (Ryan's lullaby and my mantra for the past 2 years)
With Love
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Love Is My Religion
In refection of Father's Day, I sit and remember all the times I called my Dad or had dinner with him on this day. I have not had the opportunity to speak to him here in the physical world since his passing in 2002. As a Mom of 3 son's I see the opportunity today to celebrate their Father~ he is a good one, one who plays, one who cares, one who wants to be a Dad and takes on everything that comes with it. They are without a doubt protected and loved but most of all "seen". Which is all anyone really wants right? We want to be "seen" for who we are, not for who our parents think we should be, or believe we are, or want us to be.
My children are very fortunate when it comes to their Dad~ I know this because I was not raised by a Dad like this, in fact my Father had very little to do with my life. But one thing was for sure he was constant, never changing and always showed up in the exact same way as the time before. So once I let go of the expectation of having someone different, of having that Dad who was involved, hands on and wanted to be there ~ I could meet him where he was with love and acceptance.
There were many if not most Father's Days I thought why do I have to celebrate this man? He hasn't been a good Father he has never been there for me so why must I be there for him! However he gave me the gift of life and I was and continue to be forever grateful to him. This act alone is enough to love him entirely, when we step outside of the fire and find that tiny light within, we can access the love at all times- love for a stranger, love for someone who has harmed us, love for someone who has disappointed us, and love for the one's who still do not have the ability to "see" us.
When we are in our hearts we are always "seen"for who we are with the knowing that we are enough. Because of this the need for the outside world to "see" us vanishes, leaving nothing but open space to be filled with light, love and the strength to love those that have not showed up for us as we wanted or believed they should.
Namaste
My children are very fortunate when it comes to their Dad~ I know this because I was not raised by a Dad like this, in fact my Father had very little to do with my life. But one thing was for sure he was constant, never changing and always showed up in the exact same way as the time before. So once I let go of the expectation of having someone different, of having that Dad who was involved, hands on and wanted to be there ~ I could meet him where he was with love and acceptance.
When we are in our hearts we are always "seen"for who we are with the knowing that we are enough. Because of this the need for the outside world to "see" us vanishes, leaving nothing but open space to be filled with light, love and the strength to love those that have not showed up for us as we wanted or believed they should.
Namaste
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Peace Train
"Each one of us is merely a small instrument. When you look at the inner workings of electrical things often you see small and big wires, new and old, cheap and expensive, lined up. Until the current passes through them, there will be no light. That wire is you and me. The current is God. We have the power to let the current pass through us, use us, produce the light of the world. Or we can refuse to be used and allow darkness to spread." ~ Mother Teresa
I have been thinking about this a lot lately, we have the power and the choice to turn our lights on. The lights that have grown dim or have been turned off entirely for survival. The only way to do this is to move out of the mind, out of the fear and into the heart. The heart has the answers and yearns to live with complete freedom. What if each of us made the conscious choice to let our lights shine at their full capacity? The choice to greet each day as a new opportunity for love and experience? To look each person we greet in the eyes and say "hello" while our light illuminates from our being? What a beautiful world this would be?
Some would say Idealistic and I can see that~ however in my heart of hearts I know it is possible~ A new world of love and peace.
Can you greet one person today through your heart and not your mind? Standing tall in your vulnerability just long enough to let that moment of true connection charge your spirit?
With Love
I have been thinking about this a lot lately, we have the power and the choice to turn our lights on. The lights that have grown dim or have been turned off entirely for survival. The only way to do this is to move out of the mind, out of the fear and into the heart. The heart has the answers and yearns to live with complete freedom. What if each of us made the conscious choice to let our lights shine at their full capacity? The choice to greet each day as a new opportunity for love and experience? To look each person we greet in the eyes and say "hello" while our light illuminates from our being? What a beautiful world this would be?
Some would say Idealistic and I can see that~ however in my heart of hearts I know it is possible~ A new world of love and peace.
Can you greet one person today through your heart and not your mind? Standing tall in your vulnerability just long enough to let that moment of true connection charge your spirit?
With Love
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Running Away
I have spent the past week or so untangling the web that had wrapped around me. The clarity that results when you detach from drama is almost euphoric. On the flip side there is always the feeling or thought of ~ how could I have not known I was so wrapped up!!! But in staying true to the spiritual practice we must let any judgement go and meet ourselves where we are with love.The mantra "one day at a time" should apply to all of us because trying to be the best person we can be in this world proves to be a daily practice.
Outside of the fire I see my behaviors and how they were so telling as to the mental place I was in~ the constant trying to do something, the what is coming next, what to do next etc. The "doing" place should have been the signal to let me know that I was not present, was not content and was running away from something but in the end we all know we are running away from the truth inside of ourselves and the biggest motivator for the run always ends up being fear.
In Yoga practice we strive to just be, be one with ourselves, our life, this world. This can only be reached through detachment, when we are attaching to anything we are using our mind not our hearts. The old adage of "if you truly love something you can set it free" is true, attachments do not step from the heart they live only in our minds. So there you go~ my obsession with what to DO next and how it will be / look had me spinning in the fire of my mind and ego. Happiness and contentment cannot be found in that fire, happiness and contentment are not a state of mind they are a state of being. As I grab my surfboard to get up and ride the waves of life again I know that I will find myself on the shore at another place and time trying to control the waves, being in a place of resistance and I hope that time will be short lived.
I ask you this morning are you riding the waves of life or trying to control them? Are you living in the flow or the path of resistance?
With love ~
Outside of the fire I see my behaviors and how they were so telling as to the mental place I was in~ the constant trying to do something, the what is coming next, what to do next etc. The "doing" place should have been the signal to let me know that I was not present, was not content and was running away from something but in the end we all know we are running away from the truth inside of ourselves and the biggest motivator for the run always ends up being fear.
In Yoga practice we strive to just be, be one with ourselves, our life, this world. This can only be reached through detachment, when we are attaching to anything we are using our mind not our hearts. The old adage of "if you truly love something you can set it free" is true, attachments do not step from the heart they live only in our minds. So there you go~ my obsession with what to DO next and how it will be / look had me spinning in the fire of my mind and ego. Happiness and contentment cannot be found in that fire, happiness and contentment are not a state of mind they are a state of being. As I grab my surfboard to get up and ride the waves of life again I know that I will find myself on the shore at another place and time trying to control the waves, being in a place of resistance and I hope that time will be short lived.
I ask you this morning are you riding the waves of life or trying to control them? Are you living in the flow or the path of resistance?
With love ~
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