Don't Speak

I grew up in a dysfunctional home, like so many of us did and do however I am finding that the older I am getting the more insight I have into the depth of the situation. My Father took the heat since his illness was front and center. The illness that eventually killed him in fact by the early age of 51. I had my time of wondering why he would choose the bottle over his family however I surrendered for the very first time and accepted him for illness and all at 17. I learned to have no expectations from any situation, learned that he would not change and therefore learned to have a relationship if you will with my Dad for a good 7 years before he passed. I am so grateful for the time we had and the life lesson. My Dad turned out to be a constant force in my life and the loss of him shook me, shook my foundation more than I had realized it could. The irony is he was the one who never changed, always the same and my Mom is the complete opposite, always changing everything from her mind to her beliefs to her desires and so on.....and so he turned out to be a sense of safety for me. My alcoholic Father was safe.....

Due do his disease and consequences from the disease we ended up in therapy to learn about Alcoholism and a very early age. We learned to speak~ my Mother wanted us to talk about everything and anything, let nothing stir and fester just get it out! Helpful yes~ to an extreme absolutely. What I have found in the 10 years since his passing is I do not speak so much. With each year I have become quieter and quieter in a very good way. Some people may find me distant but the truth of the matter is I sort out my drama now, I used to have something come up and get on the phone to vent to anyone and everyone leaving me in circles and confused about how I really felt. Now I wait, I do not pick up the phone and I wait to see if I am really upset about this or not, does it need validation or do I need to be heard, most times I find I don't. It is just idle chit chat out in the atmosphere that isn't serving much of a purpose. I think his passing had much to do with this, I got hit with a major dose of life at 24 and my perspective changed, I grew up and with doing this I became less dramatic, less concerned with others and much more concerned with the big stuff, like what lies beneath....

One of the poignant moments on this spiritual journey was when I was speaking to me teacher during my Yoga Teacher Training program and told her I just couldn't break some pattern, I had talked it to death and tried to see all sides yet was getting no where. She simply said "maybe you need to stop talking" and it changed me forever, I grew up trained to talk so the concept of not talking had never truly occurred, once this "hit" home I was able to really begin to dive into my soul and find my way home.

I am still finding my way and I now listen much more than I ever have, I try my best to empathize when I listen to things that in my perspective are small and petty but to the person saying them they are HUGE~ it makes this path difficult sometimes, but learning to listen has helped a ton, I can retreat within and decipher if it is worth speaking back or best to just listen. It is always a work in a progress and there is always something however I am just so grateful for the opportunity to be here and to have the chance to explore this life good and bad~ you need both, the tough times / down right bad times give you the juiciness you know, the ooey gooey stuff that helps to transcend you to the next level! It is just so awesome to be alive~ such a gift.

So the question tonight to put out there is how does it feel not to speak?

Namaste