Thursday, October 3, 2013

The Rainbow Connection

As I sit here in my pile of intolerance for adult behaviors that seem to continue to circle round and round and round with no apparent end in sight~ not only am I bothered by others but mostly by my own mindset. As I got up to grab some water I was stopped in my tracks my something deemed as holding little to no significance in my life- but maybe it should. The 2 sippy cups drying on the counter featuring Elmo with a smile in scuba gear and Abby as a fairy with a wand darted my energetic field with the reminder of innocence, hope and happiness.

Maybe the kids are the ones that have it right- inundated with fantastic cartoons about the joys of succeeding, being a good person in the midst of adversity and following your heart. Reminders through books and music that things get better and to "just keep swimming". We are jaded as adults- if the kids are here to save our world maybe it is time for adults to start taking cues from the little ones, more cartoons, colors, playfulness, games and the pure joy of just being. And maybe even time for the kids to stop learning from the unhealthy behaviors of our parents that we spend the later part of our lives trying to undo.

Imagine a world full of hope, innocence, color, joy, play and experience- what would you do if you could go back and be a kid again for just one day? Is there a way to incorporate that image into your daily routine now as an adult?

Now this my friends is something to ponder!!


Wednesday, September 18, 2013


To continue my trail from the previous post about how life is a gift,  it is what we do with it not what we accumulate during it!  I stumbled upon a most fabulous documentary called " I AM " and I urge everyone out there to watch this movie! Talk about uplifting and refreshing but most of all it was amazing to see the validation of living through the eyes of our heart. The movie brought up the term Utopia,  which I have not thought about in ages- I vaguely remember a decade or so ago having arguments about Utopia and how it is not possible while I of course was arguing " YES IT IS" :)

This has sparked some critical and metaphysical thinking- so maybe we cannot create a Utopian society overnight - but why can't we create Utopia within ourselves? The movie talks about the magnetic field, how we all are one and how our thoughts and behaviors influence others. So if we individually strive to find Utopia in ourselves then wouldn't it make sense that it would begin to radiate to others and permeate the surface....hence a trickle down effect happening? Possibly even creating that Utopian society deemed impossible to create?

We are moving rapidly out of the masculine "doing, fixing, and intolerance for emotion"  place we have inhabited for so long and moving into the feminine. Which means it is time for us to begin to lead from our emotions towards- embracing, loving, acceptance, tolerance, forgiveness and love. Out of the head and into the heart- this is where those emotions thrive- so life will feel easier, you will move with grace and be able to ride the wave of life. Things will no longer happen within the perception of  "happening to you" because in your heart you know you are part of something bigger, something greater than yourself and if you are sad or down everyone feels it, we are all in it together, we are all supported from this heart felt place, we are not separate. 

I believe in every fiber of my being that we are brought into this world all the same, gigantic lights of heart and spirit.  Asking the heart to conform to the ways of a consumer driven machine like our society has been doesn't quite jive does it? And you wonder why we end up jaded, unhappy, discontent, lost and trying desperately to find our ways home- we are perpetually trying to squeeze a square peg into a circle space.

I pose this question;
If we are all one and have been blessed with the same gift of life how are you going to choose to live it?

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

A Gift

I have not posted in long time- mainly due to distraction, time and sorting through the various meanderings of my mind. However it appears every which way I try to slice and dice it my outlook on everything comes down to a real knowing and faith that life is a gift~ it is a simple as this. Your parents gave you a gift and what you do with it is what makes the journey. There are no rights here on this planet, we are not entitled to anything, it is the journey and all the lessons that we encounter along the way that create the filling within this precious container.

So many of us get caught up in our parents and what they did or how they acted, where we came from, our childhood was this or that, etc....none of that truly matters down at the heart of it all. What matters is how you choose to fill this journey. Our perception is one of the most powerful tools we have- where is your perception arrow directed- to the comparison of yourself and the world around you or to your soul and the opportunities that await on your path?

I think about this with my children- I was never one to daydream about the house, the kids, the wedding...etc. In fact I was never really clear as to what I wanted until I met my husband- and the only clarity I had was " I do not want to live a day without this man". There were no thoughts about "good father" or "good husband" or any projections of our possible life, my soul perceived another "gift" on my journey and thank god I was quiet enough and had enough faith to listen. When it came to kids and comes to kids- I have given the gift of life to these boys, I was blessed on my journey to give them life and I am so excited to see how they live it. I want them to experience the beauty, experience the pain, the hope, the disappointment, the lust, the love, the tears, the happiness and so on!! I could go on forever because how cool is it to be the vessel of this gift?! They are here to experience their gift and I can be a witness and if they choose once they are grown have more of a part but it is up to them.

I think we have confused the lines or even forgotten the foundation of it all- we are not entitled to be here, we are not entitled to have what every one else has, we are not entitled to have children- and receiving the gift of being a parent does not entitle us to manage their life or set their course based on what we believe is right. As a parent- yes our journey has been longer and we are wiser from experience,  but we are the same as our kids, our parents, as all of us around us, we have been given the gift of life and it is for each of us individually to recognize the gift and choose what YOU want to make of it.

I believe my suffering or discontentment on this journey is rooted in the energy driven by the ego that surrounds us of " I get to be here and be like everyone else". Our heart knows we have been given a gift / opportunity to live here, just as everyone else has and it can be taken from us at anytime, so follow the guidance in your heart, find your own way and make the most of it~ for it is truly precious.


Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Wild Horses

My heart longs to be from the rules and regulations that I have been taught in order to bind it. Free from the judgement of others, the judgement from myself, the judgement in the teachings and in the rules. Fear has been the dominate tool to keep me flying straight  in this life and in so many ways I am grateful to fear as it has helped guide me safely to where I am today. But the disconnect is no longer...the fear will not lead, it cannot lead for it has now been put where it belongs to keep me safe not to lead my life. My heart has seen and knows the freedom that we are capable of ~ this is the place where we all began. We are all love, we are all divine and we have all touched this freedom we just don't remember it. My heart yearns to be free and to fly to wherever it sets its sights....cause at the end of it all what truly matters most is LOVE

Monday, July 8, 2013

Lotus Flower

I have been reading a TON about shame these days and I am so glad because I had absolutely no idea what shame really is. In fact it did not resonate much with me so in true human form I thought I am good " no shame here " :) I was wrong!!!! I may not live in the language of shame but I sure know how to live with a shame armor~ a shield of shame to actually prevent any shameful events from coming in. Growing up with an alcoholic Dad like I had I have no question nor guilt for my shame armor, it was used to protect and defend so it was for the good however it is not in my best interest now and must make its way out. This revelation has lead me to my post today....we live in a world of instant gratification, so naturally I would like and somewhat expect my shame shield to evaporate immediately this is warranted by the fact that I have recognized it so therefore done the work to make it go.....I don't think so ;-)

We all need to give ourselves a break, healing is a process. It is a step my step journey where we must visit all aspects hiding beneath the area in which we want healed. This could possible take YEARS~ yes YEARS. You may choose to forgive someone that has caused you suffering but that does not mean the pain is healed, it most likely is not and that is okay. It is okay to feel pain in your heart by someone who wronged you years ago, it is okay as long as you recognize the pain and feel it. This comes back to the notion of shame, shame makes us vulnerable, when we turn to anger in a painful situation we are turning to fear -fear of the feelings that are causing the vulnerability and we when stay in this place our healing stalls. We all suffer, we all feel pain and YES we are all vulnerable, no one is above it. We are spirits living in human form and therefore we are subject to painful experiences.

I had a moment a couple of months ago where I saw someone I loved raw with emotion, she was hysterical and without thinking twice I walked over and held her. If someone told me I would be that kind of support 5 years ago to her I would have been offended. This particular someone had hurt me so deeply, had caused a situation so rooted in shame that I was fueled on anger for months even years~ she had penetrated my shame shield in my weakest point,  my children, and I encountered a direct hit to the spirit. This situation spun terribly downward, I was stuck in a place of "how could she do this to me, to my kids, my family"~ it wasn't until I began to recognize my own feelings of vulnerability within the situation that I could actually start to climb out of the web and start to heal. And YES this has taken a good 5 YEARS- Yikes

This post is another reiteration to continue the practice to stay in your heart and when you make or take on something to make it about you~ you are in your head not your heart. Healing cannot take place in your head it is created through your heart and it cannot grow from fear; healing must grow from a place of vulnerability and therefore you must acknowledge the shame surrounding it. A process that takes TIME and that is MORE than okay!!!!!


Monday, June 24, 2013

3 Little Birds

While doing a little walk/jog this morning with my little man who turned 2 today, I was hit with the familiar "Oh Shit~ I have done it again" followed by disappointment and frustration. At the very end of one of the runs I felt the oh so great " I AM ALIVE" feeling....I used to find this feeling addictive, accomplished and exciting, I now know what it means- I have taken the fast track into my mind and out of my heart without any awareness of it. When we are practicing a life of living through our hearts we do not need a "rush" to remind us that we are in fact alive, that feeling is always there. Our urge to control, figure things out,  and the "what's next" syndrome dissipates- this makes for a far easier life however staying present can create the challenge of boredom for lack of a better word.  We are a society of stimulation, excess and busy~ these qualities are not top of the heap when one is present.

Two years ago today my little guy decided to make his way into this world 10 weeks early~ almost an entire trimester too soon. It was the most traumatic and gut wrenching experience of my life. I look back on that night and the 30 plus days he stayed in the NICU and remember an overwhelming feeling of all is okay, you are protected, when I woke up hemorrhaging I was immediately shot out of my head and into my heart, I stayed present and never went to any of those horrible places the mind can send us. Every night I was home without him I would muster up the strength to make my check in phone call to the NICU before bed to see if he was okay and still here knowing that I had to surrender it all over to a higher power as something else had far more control in this situation that I did. All I could do was be the best person I could and that meant embracing all the fears, faults, guilt shame and dark parts. I could love him and my family the best I could and that is where I lived. It is amazing two years later that when faced with a situation of absolute harm and terror that surrender is where I went and now when faced with possible terror and harm I am paralyzed with anxiety, the need for control and tormented with those dark thoughts that our mind chooses to entertain us with.

The light at the end of the tunnel is this (because there always is one :) ) Ryan catapulted me into a place of facing my fears as dark as they were and can be while helping me choose to live a life driven by heart not fear. This is and will always be a daily practice, years ago I may have had to go out running for months before I realized I was abducted by the delusions of my mind now after a good year or so of practice it took about 1/2 mile and a good 48 hours of WTF. Ryan's entry into this world combined with his thriving mind, body and spirit two years later are symbolic of hope, that if we love with all of our heart in the end "every little thing is going to be alright. (Ryan's lullaby and my mantra for the past 2 years)

With Love

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Love Is My Religion

In refection of Father's Day, I sit and remember all the times I called my Dad or had dinner with him on this day. I have not had the opportunity to speak to him here in the physical world since his passing in 2002. As a Mom of 3 son's I see the opportunity today to celebrate their Father~ he is a good one, one who plays, one who cares, one who wants to be a Dad and takes on everything that comes with it. They are without a doubt protected and loved but most of all "seen". Which is all anyone really wants right? We want to be "seen" for who we are,  not for who our parents think we should be, or believe we are, or want us to be.

My children are very fortunate when it comes to their Dad~ I know this because I was not raised by a Dad like this, in fact my Father had very little to do with my life. But one thing was for sure he was constant, never changing and always showed up in the exact same way as the time before. So once I let go of the expectation of having someone different, of having that Dad who was involved, hands on and wanted to be there ~ I could meet him where he was with love and acceptance.

There were many if not most Father's Days I thought why do I have to celebrate this man? He hasn't been a good Father he has never been there for me so why must I be there for him!  However he gave me the gift of life and I was and continue to be forever grateful to him. This act alone is enough to love him entirely, when we step outside of the fire and find that tiny light within, we can access the love at all times- love for a stranger, love for someone who has harmed us, love for someone who has disappointed us, and love for the one's who still do not have the ability to "see" us.

When we are in our hearts we are always "seen"for who we are with the knowing that we are enough. Because of this the need for the outside world to "see" us vanishes, leaving nothing but open space to be filled with light, love and the strength to love those that have not showed up for us as we wanted or believed they should.


Thursday, May 23, 2013

Peace Train

"Each one of us is merely a small instrument. When you look at the inner workings of electrical things often you see small and big wires, new and old, cheap and expensive, lined up. Until the current passes through them, there will be no light. That wire is you and me. The current is God. We have the power to let the current pass through us, use us, produce the light of the world. Or we can refuse to be  used and allow darkness to spread." ~ Mother Teresa

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, we have the power and the choice to turn our lights on. The lights that have grown dim or have been turned off entirely for survival. The only way to do this is to move out of the mind, out of the fear and into the heart. The heart has the answers and yearns to live with complete freedom. What if each of us made the conscious choice to let our lights shine at their full capacity? The choice to greet each day as a new opportunity for love and experience? To look each person we greet in the eyes and say "hello" while our light illuminates from our being? What a beautiful world this would be?

Some would say Idealistic and I can see that~ however in my heart of hearts I know it is possible~ A new world of love and peace.

Can you greet one person today through your heart and not your mind? Standing tall in your vulnerability just long enough to let that moment of true connection charge your spirit?

With Love

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Running Away

I have spent the past week or so untangling the web that had wrapped around me. The clarity that results when you detach from drama is almost euphoric. On the flip side there is always the feeling or thought of ~ how could I have not known I was so wrapped up!!! But in staying true to the spiritual practice we must let any judgement go and meet ourselves where we are with love.The mantra "one day at a time" should apply to all of us because trying to be the best person we can be in this world proves to be a daily practice.

Outside of the fire I see my behaviors and how they were so telling as to the mental place I was in~ the constant trying to do something, the what is coming next, what to do next etc. The "doing" place should have been the signal to let me know that I was not present, was not content and was running away from something but in the end we all know we are running away from the truth inside of ourselves and the biggest motivator for the run always ends up being fear.

In Yoga practice we strive to just be, be one with ourselves, our life, this world. This can only be reached through detachment, when we are attaching to anything we are using our mind not our hearts. The old adage of "if you truly love something you can set it free" is true, attachments do not step from the heart they live only in our minds. So there you go~ my obsession with what to DO next and how it will be / look had me spinning in the fire of my mind and ego. Happiness and contentment cannot be found in that fire, happiness and contentment are not a state of mind they are a state of being. As I grab my surfboard to get up and ride the waves of life again I know that I will find myself on the shore at another place and time trying to control the waves, being in a place of resistance and I hope that time will be short lived.

I ask you this morning are you riding the waves of life or trying to control them? Are you living in the flow or the path of resistance?

With love ~

Sunday, April 28, 2013


Acceptance can be a very difficult task, especially when we are asked to accept something that we may not necessarily want or think we want. This is where the grip on the waves of life try with all their might to hold still and resist the flow. Although I can somewhat stand outside the fire of it all I teeter all too close finding it difficult to see any clarity. In a time when we may be asked to surrender why is there so much fear? Is it lack of faith or lack of knowing what is at the other end and are these actually the exact same thing?

I am afraid to make a move, to make a decision, I am troubled by a sort of paralysis in the forward momentum of my life. Where to turn? Where to go? How? I know that this is the moment of surrender, the moment when you are supposed to jump over the edge...but I cannot and I am stuck.

I have become somewhat obsessive about what is next, about what lies ahead, obsessive about something I cannot control. This forward thinking means one thing, I am not present, I am not in a place of love, I am not content and this saddens me deeply as my Fear has me blocked, has me stuck, has me troubled so I pray for grace, I pray for clarity, I pray for comfort and strength as I begin to try  to dissolve the web of fear that surrounds me.

Can you accept the trials and joys of life with grace???

With Love

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Both Sides Now

To return to the notion of finding your comfort or way into the stillness it is also in this place that we must do more than listen to begin to heal. In order for the big shift or A Ha  to happen we must be willing to "see" our place within all of our interactions and relationships. We must be willing to "see" through lenses that are not available for the Ego to high jack! This is part of seeing ourselves through love, there is no wrong, no right, no he said, she said ~ it is just seeing what is. The Ego is our internal merry prankster and for a society that has been taught to look outward the Ego is VERY comfortable in a place of victim and uses many different masks to fool us into believing we are out of the Ego.

Life does not happen to us~ and if this is something we often feel than examining our role in our interactions is essential. When we talk about taking our power back this is where it ties in. There cannot be an interaction or relationship without 2 sides, you always have your part!!! If someone is "doing" something to you then you are choosing to allow that person to do it. You choose to stand or listen and take it~ walk away, hang up the phone, if you do not like something then make yourself unavailable to that situation. If you find you keep going back~ it is crucial to get out of the ego and into the heart to break the pattern. There is fear driving the force to keep you returning and the only place fear does not reside is in the heart.

If our society could try to put emphasis on holding one's self accountable for our role in our interactions instead of looking out at everyone and how it is affecting us~ we would change positively, we would heal as a world. Sounds big and fantasy like but I believe it.

Can you take an interaction that bothers you and "see" your part~ how are you involved in it and what can you do to take your power back and change it?

With Love

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Things Can Only Get Better

It is in the stillness that we hear the whispers of our hearts. This place pushes fear aside to reveal what lies beneath, what is bubbling just below the surface of our day to day "go go go" mentality. When we surrender to the stillness, the nothingness, we see hope, feel hope and breathe hope. Access hope and the perception is clear= happiness and freedom.

Take time to sit in silence, in your nothingness, in your fears and allow yourself to get swept away by glorious hope that is constantly trying to remind us that things can and will get better you just have to get out of your own damn way :)


Monday, March 25, 2013

Old Man

Why are we so afraid or uneasy in the murk of our own darkness? I have chosen over the past week or so to try to control the impulse to speak, speak of my feelings in hopes of reaching a solution. This is a VERY uncomfortable place for me...for in the silence a voice lurks that I am very unfamiliar with. A voice whose comments are frightening a voice that I have squelched for so long that in truth has led me to where I am today. This voice leads me to believe or to feel as if I dwell in a prison that I have chosen. A prison created through fear, fear of not being loved, fear of rejection, fear of being alone with my own silence, alone with my darkness. I have chosen the path of love with others to help balance out my fear, love has been my escape. So it is common to hear how lucky I am, how fortunate to live the life I live. Lucky in love~ YES I agree however the darkness speaks a different story. I have given it no time to be autonomous so it continues to raise its ugly head to ask...what if you had been less impulsive, asked for more time~ more time for me??? What would you life look like? Would you have made the same decisions, chosen the same path? What if you had actually gotten to know me~ where would you have gone? Who could you have been? I chose to clip my wings out of fear of being autonomous that I alone was not good enough or enough. The exact opposite "picture" of my Dad's life but driven by the same fears.....
It was against everything I was taught to examine this part of your life, let alone lead by it. My Father chose a life of it, he left us, left his responsibilities ran as fast as he could from his light. So for me to be so bright journeying into the darkness where he lived was deemed cruel, wrong and selfish. So here I am on this path of self discovery learning that my squelched darkness literally boils up right under a very thin veil of silence. It wants to speak but how can I let it? I do not trust it, it has never led or made any decisions for me~ it is like a caged animal~ I have no clue what it will do.
My intuition says to keep listening, listen for signs of the truth a place where my dark and light convene, where my heart would agree.

I ask today~ does such a place exist? A place where the dark and light can reign together? A place where they create a balance? How do you get there, how do you find it without unraveling every piece of stone you have placed in the pathway of your life?


Friday, March 15, 2013

Have a Little Faith In Me

Lately I have found myself a tad stunned by the lack of faith I seem to have towards mankind. In reflecting back on my life this would make sense, people have disappointed me but if we are human then this would be part of the territory right? I wonder "how" I viewed mankind before and perhaps even now?

My faith has always been a part of me, it has comforted, provided a safe net to heal and definitely helped push me to carry on when I did not have many resources left to turn to. Have I been living with a disconnect between the two? Have I been holding people up to a certain level of standard? Perhaps one that is too high?  Do I have any standard for people or do I expect nothing? Or could it be there is no separation and therefore I expect the same from people as I do God? If the latter is the truth than crap I do not know anyone who could sustain that level of standard? It appears I have some serious inquiry into how I see my fellow kind.

All of this inquiry has been prompted by my youngest son  who has been my constant source of learning in regards to relying on and trusting other people, it is an uncomfortable place for me to be. In order to do this you have to leave room to be disappointed or this is how it seems right now. One of my big rules has been to have no expectations so that you will not be left disappointed~ but now I question how much of myself I actually put into the experience? If protection from disappointment has been a type of trigger how am I present, you have to bring some of yourself to be present right? While writing this I have spun myself into a tizzy...this web is very tangled and sticky!!! There is sorting out that needs to be done in order to reach some sort of level of clarity.....because at the moment I am lost in the muck of confusion.

What about you? Do you trust people as a rule of thumb, do you live your life with a sense of faith in others? How do you get over disappointment?


Sunday, March 10, 2013

Only Love

Over the past couple days after waking up I have had an overwhelming sense of Love deep down in the pit of my stomach or shall I say soul. I am alarmed by the depth of it, there are few moments in my life when this has happened, 3 of these moments were the birth of my children. For anyone who has a child the magnitude in which you love your child is indescribable. The love fills up every cell of your being especially the very first time you set eyes on these tiny miracles from above. So I am already beginning to question the "why" in regards to having this feeling for no apparent reason. Could it be hormones? Temporary? Even maybe something bad is on the horizon?? Yikes to be Human!!!!!

However as I sat down to right this morning with this pit of love on fire, I would like to explore the idea or notion that this practice of Love is working. Many spiritual teachers have told us over and over that the unconditional love resides in each of us, we are filled with God's light and love you just have to uncover it. If this practice in fact is "healing" my fears and esteem to reveal only love for all then I will continue the fight. Those only love moments have been so powerful in the past that the mere thought of living in a continual state of that feeling creates an abyss of hope. As we can see from the paragraph above we are all human and it will require discipline over the always present human dialogue!!!

Can you access an all love moment and if so allow your whole body to be engulfed by the feeling inviting a bit of healing to occur within your spirit?


Thursday, March 7, 2013

Nothing Compares To You

The first step to healing is to STOP comparing yourself, your life, your path to others. I have noticed that around the young age of 4 and 5 children begin to start comparing. Who has what and then what they don't have. One this proves that comparison is very normal, that it is part of being human and two  this also proves that the energetic weight of comparison can begin to bog you down from a very early age. If we are all energy~ giving and receiving it then I invite you to consider the "energy" tied to comparison. If we are viewing a situation that our ego perceives as more than what we have then we are directly taking an energetic hit on our worthiness, what we are lacking. We are attacking our own esteem that we are not as important as that said person because if we were we would have the same. If we take the comparison towards the opposite direction, say our ego shows just how "lucky" we are, we in fact are not energetically feeling any better. It is the same as verbally attacking someone to make them feel bad so you feel better, this does not resonate with our spirits in a positive way. EX: A married friend of yours finds out their partner has been cheating and therefore have begun the separation process, how many times have you heard someone say or you even think~ "thank god that is not me? How hard for them , at least it was not me...."
The energy transmitted from these thoughts are harmful to your spirit, to those around you and especially to the one who is hurting. We do not want any one of our brothers and sisters to hurt but there is some dysfunctional notion that if it is them there is less chance it will be me and therefore I feel better about myself. This perception is not of spirit, this is of fear and spoken by ego. So I bring the idea to the table that you begin to stop comparing in your daily life. This is a practice, one that will need to be done every single day and maybe even in every single new situation presented.

Can you take that peripheral vision and focus it a tad more inwards, not to be selfish but to be more aware???

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Come As You Are

One of the most bewildering aspects on a spiritual path or search for internal peace has been that the further you dive into the self while pulling away from an ego led dialog, the innocence and lightness of the cause of pain emerges. This light bulb turns on and you see with complete clarity that one or more reasons or events have actually drove your source of suffering. However without the dialog of the ego these causes seem very simple, plain and in fact trivial (almost embarrassing that they could cause such pain) the deeper we go the more simple it is, the farther out of ourselves we stay the more complicated and painful. As a seeker I did not expect this finding. I thought that the "real" stuff, the internal stuff would hold the most weight, it would be the ugliest of the ugly, something I have never seen. The "real" stuff does hold weight but only to a degree since it was the beginning of something, the root of whatever form it manifested in your behavior or esteem but to look at it without ego, it is very easy to see that root and pull it. You can pull it without blame, without suffering and without it being personal which is even more bewildering since this source has called YOU so much pain, how can this not be PERSONAL.

The bottom line is; our internal soil has weeds, some we were born with and some we planted, and it is never too late to start weeding. If you can move through the heart to see and behold these weeds they really are not all that scary. Your internal soil ( maybe shadow if you will) is only as big and bad as you allow your EGO to say it is.

I invite you to catch a glimpse of your internal soil...and maybe even pull a weed if ready :)


Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Let Go

It is only the first couple of months of 2013 and it appears that world is making its way towards balance, this is a relief for many , we have been dominated by excess for far too long. As we move away from this domination we will begin to see evidence of softness, nurturing, light and grace. However we have built the current society with a rewards system that recognizes and holds powerful those who can take the most without crumbling. The most stress, the most job hours, the one's who can wear the most amount of hats, the ones who can go to excess without it appearing to permeate their system. Just like any other changing of the guards, the times could feel uncomfortable and rocky especially if you are more sensitive than others.

Today I go back to the notion of surrendering to the ride~ in a world where strength (emotional, physical, mental) has been beheld can you embrace an element of beauty in the breakdown? Whatever form this breakdown decides to take, can you see the beauty in the experience? In yourself? In us all? For we will all have something to face~ a fear or lack will arise, can you greet it with grace and inquisition?

With light and love


Sunday, February 17, 2013

Human Nature

Do you practice what you teach? This seems to be such an obstacle for so many that are on a path to help heal others. How can you fully believe something if you have not embraced it yourself? It is in our nature to take things that inspire us , teach us, move us and roll with them, share them in order to help someone else.

I pose this question for examination: Helping others is in our nature, giving to others feels good, but why do we choose to opt out of our own teachings? What is it about our own esteem that holds us back from receiving the healing of our higher self?

Love & Light

Saturday, February 16, 2013

The Dog Days Are Over

It appears that we are moving into a sort of energetic slap in the face if you will. Our lives have been run by the first two Kleshas 1. Avidya (ignorance about the true nature of things) and  2.Asmita ( I-ness or egoism) and we are about to be rocked upside down. So get your shit together and let go of the strong grip to the rails. In a society so focused on "getting" : whether it be the guy, the house, the job, the kid, the car, the whatever our shadow side of "lack" is running the show. To continue to rise up from the suffering to choose a different path can you look inside and release the secrets, the lies, the false protections your ego has set up for you?  I invite you to begin to unravel the control that you believe you have over this life? Are we able to make choices in this life ~ yes without question but when faced with a choice who makes it your heart or your mind (ego).....a wave is coming so get ready!!

The choice is yours~ try to ride the wave with a gentle sweetness for yourself or wait on the shore for the wave to smash into you....


Sunday, February 10, 2013

Lean On Me

During the last quarter of 2012 a new mantra developed in my mind "everyone deserves to be supported". Somewhere along the way "having it all together" became the thing or person to be, this seemed to be a way to show off our strength, strength of the inner ego. Where did this come from? Why was it so important or impressive to have the weight of the world on your shoulders? And then disillusion ourselves that we must really be succeeding since it wasn't bothering us? We can then continue to unravel this thread and tie it to all of the stress related illnesses floating I ask are we succeeding? Can we carry it all? NO~ somewhere we lost the idea that we deserved to be supported.

As a Mother of 3 I am finally letting down my rigid guard and really embracing the idea of "it takes a village" because it does!!!! I need help, it is imperative, it is the only way we can all have our needs met and be healthy. This does not mean I am weak, or am in over my head, this means I am human and I recognize the importance of making sure everyone in my family is supported, even myself :)

We just traveled to Disney World for our first big family trip, and this mantra played over in my head many a time. It helps me to stay calm and centered when presented with some situations that can drum up frustration and anxiety. In most of the situations presented my ego begins screaming something to the tune of "what about me or my turn" I gently and with compassion repeat in my head "everyone deserves to be supported" and I am included in this statement as well.

Who do you lean on? Do you have a village or is it all on you? Depending on your answer I ask you to examine how you feel most of the time and would you like to change it?


~and please enjoy one of my most favorite new artists~he is the real deal out there to help heal us all!!!!

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Learning to fly

The journey to self discovery has now taken on a different look ~ the journey to reclaiming self. This process has left me standing on the ground with my two feet wobbly like a toddler learning to walk. I know with all my being that the ground is a constant state of support for everyone and this time I am included in this statement. My mind is a clear state and I have a small sense of knowing so the next stage of this journey begins, I suppose I can move into self discovery, likes and dislikes, beliefs and so forth. I read in the Daily Love one morning that "pain is inevitable, suffering is my choice" this settle so deeply into my core. I had not realized that I chose to suffer, and the biggest aha of them all I chose this because I deserved it. Somewhere so deep on an unconscious level I deserved to suffer for my shortcomings for my fractured self, my lack of perfection. All of these thoughts and beliefs stemmed from my internal belief system of whether or not I have the right to be here, on this earth, in this life.

As a fatalist~ of course I have a right to be here or I would not have been!!! Right???? This everything happens for a reason had led my journey astray, when something good happens I am being a good girl however when something bad happens than I am being punished for being a bad girl. This ebb and flow of you are good and now you are bad has caused waves of suffering. I sit now for today in a place of things just happen, we are here to have experiences, the why, what or when of these experiences do not matter it is the "how" that makes up the juice or nourishment of life, how do we move through these experiences that we label good or bad? I sit for today because that is as far as I can get :)

Through the work in the Chakra system while working side by side in psychotherapy I have been able to get into the root chakra and reclaim my right to be here autonomous from my about LIBERATION!!! And there is a sense of unease too, I am learning to explore the world on my own and I will now have to seek out the mirrors that resonate most to me because I am an adult the elder in the house is now me :)

The thought for today is~ where is the root of your suffering, close your eyes and who do you see?


Sunday, January 27, 2013


Can you accept yourself for being human? A bright shining spirit lives inside this container but when the light is not leading the way the humanness is~ can you meet yourself there with compassion? Have faith that when diving deeper you will become more and more connected and led by your light?

Can you accept those around you for being human? Your parents or caregivers if their lights were dim or hidden can you meet them there too without blame or fault?

Beyond all of this can you embrace yourself, those around you and your parents / caregivers? Embrace them for trying, for giving, for loving to the best of the ability a human can love through the perception of fear, the perception of just being human?

Behold yourself and those all around you for you and them, we are all human made up of spirit and love!

Wednesday, January 9, 2013


It has been said and told a number of ways~ if you do not love yourself first than you will not love anyone else. This is a great bit of information to know however if it doesn't fully immerse itself inside of your heart,  it is just something to say. Something for your mind to say and agree with.

It appears that for the very first time in 34 years I feel worthy of love.  I believed that I did not doubt whether or not someone loved me which is what I thought this whole notion was about but it appears I did not get it or only was able to comprehend this notion as far as my head could go :).  Lately my ex boyfriend has been appearing quite frequently in my dreams, my husband and I spoke about it and what it could mean etc, it wasn't until I was driving to church that morning did I see why~ in my dreams, we would talk, connect about our lives as they are right now it was a strong connection, the connection we once had. When we were together I did not believe with all my heart that I was worthy of his love, I somehow did not stack up to the image that I believed he would need or want in order to give his heart. The truth is he did love me, all parts. This happened with my best friend this fall, I was talking, sharing my truth not my story and she was crying, crying for me~ I did not recognize what this was until this past Sunday, she loves me. None of this has ever connected, things can be say, people have problems, la la la but I apparently have believed that there was an imaginary line that you must hit in order to receive real love, you must prove you can have it. This is so wrong, all wrong. Trust is earned, respect is earned, admiration earned,  Love is Given.

So it is now for the first time ever that I awake to Love for myself, for all parts~ good, bad and ugly. These parts are all me, I do not have to "be" a certain way, "do" certain things, "look" a specific way to receive love. I feel a little sick that I have gone this long in my relationship with love, I wasn't fully present with those that I have loved and do love, but I did not know, truly did not know because I wasn't present inside of my heart. I am now and I suppose that is what matters most, I have reached this place others live in, talk about, preach about and for my children this is the biggest gift of all.

I ask with love this question~ do you love yourself as a whole? And are you able to fully explore this question within your heart and outside of your head?


Friday, January 4, 2013

let it be

So 2012 is officially out the door and I am ecstatic! It could not have come sooner, I am open and well that is it, just open to what may be. The 4th quarter of 2012 was dedicated to Svadhyaya...this aspect does not seem to be going out the door and I am okay with that. I am continuing the pursuit of joy through the essence of love. I have attended many ceremonies where Corinthians 13:4-8 has been used especially at a marriage ceremony and each time I have heard it it has somehow lost its spark~ it was another love quote being said at the perfect time.(but who really lives that way right?)  However today while I was driving I was thinking about my best friend and that quote came into mind. It is all true, when you are in a place of love, there is no arrogance, no judgement, no envy, it believes all things , hopes all things and so forth.

Lately I have been toying with the notion of listening with love, through love and have found this to be the most difficult. When we listen our audio tape of the ego begins to record and immediately feedback~ generally it comes back with narcissism or something to boost its esteem whether we are conscious of it or not. To listen through love, we must pause the tape, be still, truly open, listen and then let it be. How many times a day do you interject your opinion or tie someone's story or part of their story to yourself when you are supposed to be listening? Is it possible to actually listen if this reaction in the brain is happening? Most of the time something or some aspect of the story will light a spark, but what if you diffuse the next spark and stay still to listen? What happens then?

I know myself well enough that this will be practice for quite some time, I find myself saying things, or catching that tape often, so for now I will continue to practice and wait to be asked before I chime in. I will let things be~ There is no attachment through love it is freeing, all giving and I am curious to see what I will uncover when I begin to really listen this way~ free of judgement, envy, inadequacies, or whatever form my ego is pining after that day :)