Old Man

Why are we so afraid or uneasy in the murk of our own darkness? I have chosen over the past week or so to try to control the impulse to speak, speak of my feelings in hopes of reaching a solution. This is a VERY uncomfortable place for me...for in the silence a voice lurks that I am very unfamiliar with. A voice whose comments are frightening a voice that I have squelched for so long that in truth has led me to where I am today. This voice leads me to believe or to feel as if I dwell in a prison that I have chosen. A prison created through fear, fear of not being loved, fear of rejection, fear of being alone with my own silence, alone with my darkness. I have chosen the path of love with others to help balance out my fear, love has been my escape. So it is common to hear how lucky I am, how fortunate to live the life I live. Lucky in love~ YES I agree however the darkness speaks a different story. I have given it no time to be autonomous so it continues to raise its ugly head to ask...what if you had been less impulsive, asked for more time~ more time for me??? What would you life look like? Would you have made the same decisions, chosen the same path? What if you had actually gotten to know me~ where would you have gone? Who could you have been? I chose to clip my wings out of fear of being autonomous that I alone was not good enough or enough. The exact opposite "picture" of my Dad's life but driven by the same fears.....
It was against everything I was taught to examine this part of your life, let alone lead by it. My Father chose a life of it, he left us, left his responsibilities ran as fast as he could from his light. So for me to be so bright journeying into the darkness where he lived was deemed cruel, wrong and selfish. So here I am on this path of self discovery learning that my squelched darkness literally boils up right under a very thin veil of silence. It wants to speak but how can I let it? I do not trust it, it has never led or made any decisions for me~ it is like a caged animal~ I have no clue what it will do.
My intuition says to keep listening, listen for signs of the truth a place where my dark and light convene, where my heart would agree.

I ask today~ does such a place exist? A place where the dark and light can reign together? A place where they create a balance? How do you get there, how do you find it without unraveling every piece of stone you have placed in the pathway of your life?

Namaste