Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Learning to fly

The journey to self discovery has now taken on a different look ~ the journey to reclaiming self. This process has left me standing on the ground with my two feet wobbly like a toddler learning to walk. I know with all my being that the ground is a constant state of support for everyone and this time I am included in this statement. My mind is a clear state and I have a small sense of knowing so the next stage of this journey begins, I suppose I can move into self discovery, likes and dislikes, beliefs and so forth. I read in the Daily Love one morning that "pain is inevitable, suffering is my choice" this settle so deeply into my core. I had not realized that I chose to suffer, and the biggest aha of them all I chose this because I deserved it. Somewhere so deep on an unconscious level I deserved to suffer for my shortcomings for my fractured self, my lack of perfection. All of these thoughts and beliefs stemmed from my internal belief system of whether or not I have the right to be here, on this earth, in this life.

As a fatalist~ of course I have a right to be here or I would not have been!!! Right???? This everything happens for a reason had led my journey astray, when something good happens I am being a good girl however when something bad happens than I am being punished for being a bad girl. This ebb and flow of you are good and now you are bad has caused waves of suffering. I sit now for today in a place of things just happen, we are here to have experiences, the why, what or when of these experiences do not matter it is the "how" that makes up the juice or nourishment of life, how do we move through these experiences that we label good or bad? I sit for today because that is as far as I can get :)

Through the work in the Chakra system while working side by side in psychotherapy I have been able to get into the root chakra and reclaim my right to be here autonomous from my about LIBERATION!!! And there is a sense of unease too, I am learning to explore the world on my own and I will now have to seek out the mirrors that resonate most to me because I am an adult the elder in the house is now me :)

The thought for today is~ where is the root of your suffering, close your eyes and who do you see?


Sunday, January 27, 2013


Can you accept yourself for being human? A bright shining spirit lives inside this container but when the light is not leading the way the humanness is~ can you meet yourself there with compassion? Have faith that when diving deeper you will become more and more connected and led by your light?

Can you accept those around you for being human? Your parents or caregivers if their lights were dim or hidden can you meet them there too without blame or fault?

Beyond all of this can you embrace yourself, those around you and your parents / caregivers? Embrace them for trying, for giving, for loving to the best of the ability a human can love through the perception of fear, the perception of just being human?

Behold yourself and those all around you for you and them, we are all human made up of spirit and love!

Wednesday, January 9, 2013


It has been said and told a number of ways~ if you do not love yourself first than you will not love anyone else. This is a great bit of information to know however if it doesn't fully immerse itself inside of your heart,  it is just something to say. Something for your mind to say and agree with.

It appears that for the very first time in 34 years I feel worthy of love.  I believed that I did not doubt whether or not someone loved me which is what I thought this whole notion was about but it appears I did not get it or only was able to comprehend this notion as far as my head could go :).  Lately my ex boyfriend has been appearing quite frequently in my dreams, my husband and I spoke about it and what it could mean etc, it wasn't until I was driving to church that morning did I see why~ in my dreams, we would talk, connect about our lives as they are right now it was a strong connection, the connection we once had. When we were together I did not believe with all my heart that I was worthy of his love, I somehow did not stack up to the image that I believed he would need or want in order to give his heart. The truth is he did love me, all parts. This happened with my best friend this fall, I was talking, sharing my truth not my story and she was crying, crying for me~ I did not recognize what this was until this past Sunday, she loves me. None of this has ever connected, things can be say, people have problems, la la la but I apparently have believed that there was an imaginary line that you must hit in order to receive real love, you must prove you can have it. This is so wrong, all wrong. Trust is earned, respect is earned, admiration earned,  Love is Given.

So it is now for the first time ever that I awake to Love for myself, for all parts~ good, bad and ugly. These parts are all me, I do not have to "be" a certain way, "do" certain things, "look" a specific way to receive love. I feel a little sick that I have gone this long in my relationship with love, I wasn't fully present with those that I have loved and do love, but I did not know, truly did not know because I wasn't present inside of my heart. I am now and I suppose that is what matters most, I have reached this place others live in, talk about, preach about and for my children this is the biggest gift of all.

I ask with love this question~ do you love yourself as a whole? And are you able to fully explore this question within your heart and outside of your head?


Friday, January 4, 2013

let it be

So 2012 is officially out the door and I am ecstatic! It could not have come sooner, I am open and well that is it, just open to what may be. The 4th quarter of 2012 was dedicated to Svadhyaya...this aspect does not seem to be going out the door and I am okay with that. I am continuing the pursuit of joy through the essence of love. I have attended many ceremonies where Corinthians 13:4-8 has been used especially at a marriage ceremony and each time I have heard it it has somehow lost its spark~ it was another love quote being said at the perfect time.(but who really lives that way right?)  However today while I was driving I was thinking about my best friend and that quote came into mind. It is all true, when you are in a place of love, there is no arrogance, no judgement, no envy, it believes all things , hopes all things and so forth.

Lately I have been toying with the notion of listening with love, through love and have found this to be the most difficult. When we listen our audio tape of the ego begins to record and immediately feedback~ generally it comes back with narcissism or something to boost its esteem whether we are conscious of it or not. To listen through love, we must pause the tape, be still, truly open, listen and then let it be. How many times a day do you interject your opinion or tie someone's story or part of their story to yourself when you are supposed to be listening? Is it possible to actually listen if this reaction in the brain is happening? Most of the time something or some aspect of the story will light a spark, but what if you diffuse the next spark and stay still to listen? What happens then?

I know myself well enough that this will be practice for quite some time, I find myself saying things, or catching that tape often, so for now I will continue to practice and wait to be asked before I chime in. I will let things be~ There is no attachment through love it is freeing, all giving and I am curious to see what I will uncover when I begin to really listen this way~ free of judgement, envy, inadequacies, or whatever form my ego is pining after that day :)