Monday, March 25, 2013

Old Man

Why are we so afraid or uneasy in the murk of our own darkness? I have chosen over the past week or so to try to control the impulse to speak, speak of my feelings in hopes of reaching a solution. This is a VERY uncomfortable place for me...for in the silence a voice lurks that I am very unfamiliar with. A voice whose comments are frightening a voice that I have squelched for so long that in truth has led me to where I am today. This voice leads me to believe or to feel as if I dwell in a prison that I have chosen. A prison created through fear, fear of not being loved, fear of rejection, fear of being alone with my own silence, alone with my darkness. I have chosen the path of love with others to help balance out my fear, love has been my escape. So it is common to hear how lucky I am, how fortunate to live the life I live. Lucky in love~ YES I agree however the darkness speaks a different story. I have given it no time to be autonomous so it continues to raise its ugly head to ask...what if you had been less impulsive, asked for more time~ more time for me??? What would you life look like? Would you have made the same decisions, chosen the same path? What if you had actually gotten to know me~ where would you have gone? Who could you have been? I chose to clip my wings out of fear of being autonomous that I alone was not good enough or enough. The exact opposite "picture" of my Dad's life but driven by the same fears.....
It was against everything I was taught to examine this part of your life, let alone lead by it. My Father chose a life of it, he left us, left his responsibilities ran as fast as he could from his light. So for me to be so bright journeying into the darkness where he lived was deemed cruel, wrong and selfish. So here I am on this path of self discovery learning that my squelched darkness literally boils up right under a very thin veil of silence. It wants to speak but how can I let it? I do not trust it, it has never led or made any decisions for me~ it is like a caged animal~ I have no clue what it will do.
My intuition says to keep listening, listen for signs of the truth a place where my dark and light convene, where my heart would agree.

I ask today~ does such a place exist? A place where the dark and light can reign together? A place where they create a balance? How do you get there, how do you find it without unraveling every piece of stone you have placed in the pathway of your life?


Friday, March 15, 2013

Have a Little Faith In Me

Lately I have found myself a tad stunned by the lack of faith I seem to have towards mankind. In reflecting back on my life this would make sense, people have disappointed me but if we are human then this would be part of the territory right? I wonder "how" I viewed mankind before and perhaps even now?

My faith has always been a part of me, it has comforted, provided a safe net to heal and definitely helped push me to carry on when I did not have many resources left to turn to. Have I been living with a disconnect between the two? Have I been holding people up to a certain level of standard? Perhaps one that is too high?  Do I have any standard for people or do I expect nothing? Or could it be there is no separation and therefore I expect the same from people as I do God? If the latter is the truth than crap I do not know anyone who could sustain that level of standard? It appears I have some serious inquiry into how I see my fellow kind.

All of this inquiry has been prompted by my youngest son  who has been my constant source of learning in regards to relying on and trusting other people, it is an uncomfortable place for me to be. In order to do this you have to leave room to be disappointed or this is how it seems right now. One of my big rules has been to have no expectations so that you will not be left disappointed~ but now I question how much of myself I actually put into the experience? If protection from disappointment has been a type of trigger how am I present, you have to bring some of yourself to be present right? While writing this I have spun myself into a tizzy...this web is very tangled and sticky!!! There is sorting out that needs to be done in order to reach some sort of level of clarity.....because at the moment I am lost in the muck of confusion.

What about you? Do you trust people as a rule of thumb, do you live your life with a sense of faith in others? How do you get over disappointment?


Sunday, March 10, 2013

Only Love

Over the past couple days after waking up I have had an overwhelming sense of Love deep down in the pit of my stomach or shall I say soul. I am alarmed by the depth of it, there are few moments in my life when this has happened, 3 of these moments were the birth of my children. For anyone who has a child the magnitude in which you love your child is indescribable. The love fills up every cell of your being especially the very first time you set eyes on these tiny miracles from above. So I am already beginning to question the "why" in regards to having this feeling for no apparent reason. Could it be hormones? Temporary? Even maybe something bad is on the horizon?? Yikes to be Human!!!!!

However as I sat down to right this morning with this pit of love on fire, I would like to explore the idea or notion that this practice of Love is working. Many spiritual teachers have told us over and over that the unconditional love resides in each of us, we are filled with God's light and love you just have to uncover it. If this practice in fact is "healing" my fears and esteem to reveal only love for all then I will continue the fight. Those only love moments have been so powerful in the past that the mere thought of living in a continual state of that feeling creates an abyss of hope. As we can see from the paragraph above we are all human and it will require discipline over the always present human dialogue!!!

Can you access an all love moment and if so allow your whole body to be engulfed by the feeling inviting a bit of healing to occur within your spirit?


Thursday, March 7, 2013

Nothing Compares To You

The first step to healing is to STOP comparing yourself, your life, your path to others. I have noticed that around the young age of 4 and 5 children begin to start comparing. Who has what and then what they don't have. One this proves that comparison is very normal, that it is part of being human and two  this also proves that the energetic weight of comparison can begin to bog you down from a very early age. If we are all energy~ giving and receiving it then I invite you to consider the "energy" tied to comparison. If we are viewing a situation that our ego perceives as more than what we have then we are directly taking an energetic hit on our worthiness, what we are lacking. We are attacking our own esteem that we are not as important as that said person because if we were we would have the same. If we take the comparison towards the opposite direction, say our ego shows just how "lucky" we are, we in fact are not energetically feeling any better. It is the same as verbally attacking someone to make them feel bad so you feel better, this does not resonate with our spirits in a positive way. EX: A married friend of yours finds out their partner has been cheating and therefore have begun the separation process, how many times have you heard someone say or you even think~ "thank god that is not me? How hard for them , at least it was not me...."
The energy transmitted from these thoughts are harmful to your spirit, to those around you and especially to the one who is hurting. We do not want any one of our brothers and sisters to hurt but there is some dysfunctional notion that if it is them there is less chance it will be me and therefore I feel better about myself. This perception is not of spirit, this is of fear and spoken by ego. So I bring the idea to the table that you begin to stop comparing in your daily life. This is a practice, one that will need to be done every single day and maybe even in every single new situation presented.

Can you take that peripheral vision and focus it a tad more inwards, not to be selfish but to be more aware???

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Come As You Are

One of the most bewildering aspects on a spiritual path or search for internal peace has been that the further you dive into the self while pulling away from an ego led dialog, the innocence and lightness of the cause of pain emerges. This light bulb turns on and you see with complete clarity that one or more reasons or events have actually drove your source of suffering. However without the dialog of the ego these causes seem very simple, plain and in fact trivial (almost embarrassing that they could cause such pain) the deeper we go the more simple it is, the farther out of ourselves we stay the more complicated and painful. As a seeker I did not expect this finding. I thought that the "real" stuff, the internal stuff would hold the most weight, it would be the ugliest of the ugly, something I have never seen. The "real" stuff does hold weight but only to a degree since it was the beginning of something, the root of whatever form it manifested in your behavior or esteem but to look at it without ego, it is very easy to see that root and pull it. You can pull it without blame, without suffering and without it being personal which is even more bewildering since this source has called YOU so much pain, how can this not be PERSONAL.

The bottom line is; our internal soil has weeds, some we were born with and some we planted, and it is never too late to start weeding. If you can move through the heart to see and behold these weeds they really are not all that scary. Your internal soil ( maybe shadow if you will) is only as big and bad as you allow your EGO to say it is.

I invite you to catch a glimpse of your internal soil...and maybe even pull a weed if ready :)